Just Thinking
June 25, 2021
Hello, fellow human animals!
Hugs to my favorite animal, the non-human animal, any species, any kind, I care about you and fight for your right to exist as you were intended to. Even a ladybug has a life and it's hers to live. Sorry all you beautiful, non-human animals, my favorite animals! Hello to you too.
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Intermittent Fasting-Covid-19 Fat-Low Iron Ferritin-Whining
I truly haven’t felt great lately, more emotional than physical I think, both I guess, but my low ferritin number takes all my energy. Still fighting to get rid of the fat gained during Covid-19. Slipped a little bit. No intermittent fasting for a week, and eating everything in sight. So many things going wrong no matter how on top of them I try to be, so they occasionally catch up with me. I have to regroup and process. I am in the middle, so forgive me if my process involves whining to you. Not the best way to introduce myself. Actually, it’s perfect. Honest and genuine me. If you’ve experienced some of the same or the total opposites, it might be fun.
Feeling sad, not being able to shake it off, not having much in place to help you feel optimistic. So much has happened over the past few years, in a somewhat condensed and overlapping timeline, I was dubbed by an actual sociopath-the love of my life, my mom’s condition worsened after her stroke then broken hip, and was in a nursing home for seven years. She got worse, and I spent much of my time in CT, driving down once or twice a month, then every weekend. I rented a house in CT for six months. My closest relative, my older sister, and I had become estranged, and it was the worst experience. Later we found out how the sociopath had been instrumental in our distance. Mom died less than a year after that. My younger sister banned me from family events, she’s married to my other sister’s ex-finance of 10 years, my two daughters did the same thing and my eldest did not invite me to her wedding. I became a vegetarian, then quickly became a vegan after seeing a 15-second clip on YouTube. I gained 60 lbs. How they treat cows in dairy farming is just as brutal, but I had no plan. I was a meat and potato, fast food, non-fruit or vegetable eater. Lost. I am vegan for the right reasons-to prevent the use and abuse of animals, and to fight for their rights to exist on their own path, but I hate it for other reasons, and it’s made my life pretty hard.
I am getting older, and I have no plans, a future that I have dreamed about, a friend or a boyfriend. There’s so much more, but I think that’s enough for you to get an idea of things that will be coming up; that was just about the last few years. Oh, no, I forgot [of course], the A.D.D. I thought it was not a huge deal for me, that I didn’t treat more than treated over the 30 years since I was diagnosed is actually a very big deal. It had a lot to do with my conflict with my kids, and it may have ruined many relationships.
I was diagnosed with depression initially, chronic depression. I remember being surprised, but then, not so much. I’d always been thought of as bubbly, sunny, and uplifting. I think I am actually. But life takes a toll, and the child abuse I suffered as a kid came to be a dark cloud for a while. It was fine until I realized it was what it was-sexual abuse and neglect by my father, neglect and emotional abuse by my mother. As my counselor said after I eventually worked through the whole family issue layer by layer when I first got sober. It was the only way. My counselor said, “you have never been anyone’s favorite.” Imagine. And I was paying the woman. Apparently, I had a problem accepting bad things about those I was supposed to love. I’ve always had many men and women who want to be around me, and it’s true that if you are in my little world, you are a special person because I let so few in. You will never want to leave! I’m a very loyal and considerate friend, even acquaintance. Making a difference in people’s lives has always been my joy and my mission. I don’t run around for the world to see, but I love the quiet knowledge that someone sees you and the wonderful feeling people share when something small I think was done for them or given to them. It’s very natural. I didn’t know it had a name till a couple of years ago, but I realized when told I was an empath, I knew that or something like that in my belly. I just always knew when people were feeling alone and sad, even if I didn’t know them. By reaching out at those times was very discreet and without words or expectations. I’d know Mrs. Ronzoni was still in pain from losing her little yappy dog. He’d been gone for almost a year I think. I was sitting in a chair, my mother and her chatting away, she is Italian and broken English, and my mother mostly just listening. She suddenly stopped, looking out the window I was sitting near, and for just 5 seconds maybe, and then went on talking as if she felt nothing. I don’t think to this day she realized the bark in the distance I'd heard reminded her of Charlie, her best friend for 16 years, and her heart hurt. But she didn’t put it together. I touched her hand and squeezed a little, and she squeezed back and seemed comforted somehow. Never thought about it, but since then [I was only 7 or 8] it’s happened to me dozens of times with people becoming very emotional and extremely grateful. I’ve seen from a distance what I saw on my elderly neighbor’s faces when they found little gifts or a card outside their door for no reason.
So between all this and trying to pursue some passions, like this one, I have been a little busy and not able to really self-reflect. Two events made me stop and think--think deeply. Sister’s not coming. Will explain that one later. Staying in ME alone after a dispute. Beautiful weather on the beach. Stayed in my room the whole time. Enough said? I had time to think and process, and I fear depression, which with chronic depression means you always have even a low level. I had a higher level than low, and it feels crappy since I survive so much and have become a really strong person mcountnts on. But I took off my superhero cape when I realized that’s all I was to my kids. Not even that now. That ongoing saga is a story for another day. If you can relate to any of my words today, please share them with this writer who wishes to hear the experiences of others and how they deal with it all. I am after all a professional listener.
Yup. I listen to people all day and sometimes on nights and/or on weekends. I LOVE it. It is like all the degrees, experiences, and layers of my career spent learning how to really listen to others, to understand how and why they feel the way they do, and experiences to illuminate that, children, seniors, people with physical and mental challenges, coaching special needs, and really, my life is the biggest and most in-depth, over the top resume of how to truly help people and give them what they need, and this time for really the first time, I am earning enough money to pay my bills, have a decent car and feel like I can breathe.
I've always given away my various services and trained skills like Reiki, Yoga, and website building for free while working as a teacher, a case manager, mental health specialist, running an errand service for seniors, and tutoring children online-all helping and making others happy, and now I feel balanced and I can give more. I may even be able to at least partially fulfill my lifelong dream, one the sociopath in my life told me was HIS dream too! Wow. No wonder I thought he was my soulmate. Those are both tales for another day, but I'll share them! You know I will.
I hope that makes sense. I am a better listener than a speaker I guess!
Talk to you soon!
Annie
TOPICS
VEGANS/ANIMAL RIGHTS/NON-HUMAN ANIMALS
POLITICS-NO!!
ANEMIA, ULCERS, AGING, CHALLENGES
ADHD, PTSD, TRAUMA, DEPRESSION
EMPATH, GIVER
BAD PEOPLE
CUSTOMER SERVICE
BAD COMPANIES
THE TO-DO LISTS
SOCIOPATHS
ETHICS AND MORALS
FACTS VS FICTION
GOALS AND CAREERS
COMPUTER AND PHONE PROBLEMS
DASHERS
MENTAL HEALTH
NURSING HOME
LAZY PEOPLE
BANNING
FAMILIES
WEAK PEOPLE
STRONG PEOPLE
INTERMITTENT FASTING
FRIENDS OR NO FRIENDS
MENTALLY RETARDED PEOPLE AS INFLUENCERS
HELPING THE ELDERLY
HAPPY BRINGING JOY TO OTHERS-IS THERE MONEY IN THAT
TEACHING KIDS AND PARENTS
COVID AND MASKS, SHOTS
MONEY AND BEING POOR
HAPPINESS AND LACK THEREOF
SINGLE AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE
ASSHOLE MEN
BAD FATHERS
BAD CHILDREN
ALCOHOLICS
GENIUSES
CHILD ABUSE, MOLESTATION, NEGLECT
CRITICAL THINKING
STUDENT LOANS
TITLES
KEYWORDS
H2-based on keywords listed.
